The Beginning of an Adventure

Tomorrow morning, I'm not sure what time, but I am leaving to travel down to Virginia to check out the college that I will be attending this Fall Term. It will be over a 700 mile drive down there (we will be stopping in Philadelphia and spending the night there), then we will continue on to Salem. I will be taking pictures, and possibly videos, to show the folks at home and friends abroad the place that I will be spending the next 4 years of my life.

I will be checking out the residence halls, classrooms (the ones not being used for exams), the campus and the local area. I won't have a car while I'm down there, but I will have a bike, so I will need to look around for where I can go with that. I hope that I won't be interrupting anything while I go down there. I know they are taking their exams at the time that I go down there, so I really don't want to be intrusive ._.

What Can I Do?

I have just received bad news from my boyfriend of two months: he got kicked out of his friend's place. It just seems like our lives have been cursed. Ever since we started going out, he has been kicked out of his house, moved into his friend Meg's house, was at risk of getting kicked out there (he started to make preparations to move in with his friend Tim) and has finally been kicked out indefinetly. I feel like there is nothing that I can do to help him out. He doesn't want to move back in with his mom just because of all the stuff she put him through, and he isn't sure if he can live with Tim. I want to help him out, I really do, but what can I do? Our apartment downstairs is occupied for the time being, and my mom would never allow him to stay here, just because she does not like the age difference in our relationship. I feel like that no matter what happens to him, I want to help but i am unable to. Where can he go for help if his girlfriend isn't even able to help him with this? I feel useless. I want to comfort him, just help him to relax and not so stressed out. What can I do to help him?

Today I shall vent to you my predicament: I believe that I am fallinng out of love with one person and in love with another. It can't possibly be love either way, but it's strong feelings I hold. I've known my boyfriend for 3 years now and we've been through everything. Only problem is that it's been a long distance relationship that I feel is going to end because of differences between us. I've been wanting to break up with him for awhile now. I don't want to tell him anymore that I love him when I don't feel that way anymore. I don't want to lie to him and lie to myself anymore.

This new guy I've only actually have seen (and kinda hung out with) three times. Once was when I first met him at my school's Winter Concert, the second at a Movie Night I held, and the third was with him and a friend of his. That third night influenced my feelings toward him, especially when we got back to my house. When the three of us were watching a movie,..he held me close to him, like no other guy has done before. I can still picture everything in my mind, every minute detail: he sat me between his lags, my back was to his chest, his cheek was always close to mine where there was not a minute that I couldn't feel it, his left arm was wrapped around my and taking my hand in his, the right arm around my chest where his hand rested on my shoulder, he patted my shoulder and cheek with his thumb, and every so often he'd poke me or try and do something to make me jump. It was the closest I've ever been to a guy. No guy has ever held me like this, not even my current boyfriend. Each time I looked up at him, he'd look back, and I swear it, I felt like he was ready to kiss me, whether it be on the lips, cheek or forehead.

I know that that was major flirting, but now I feel like my heart is ripped in two. Should I stay with the person I'm with, or should I leave for someone who I've only known for a little while? Should I stay with someone I was happy with in the beginning just to break up with him later, or try to go for someone that makes me happy in the here and now? There are pros and cons to both sides:

Pros with the current:
We've known each other for 3 years, he has a job, he's going to graduate college soon, he knows me better than most people, we have similar tastes, he's been with me through some of the hardest times in my life, he's known my personality before my appearance.

Cons with the current:
He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, he sometimes favors my appearance over my personality, he will talk about things relentlessly that grasp my attention for a second then loses it for the duration of the one-sided conversation, he lives far away, we see eath other very rarely, and even though I'm with him I feel like I'm single.

Pros with the new:
We make good conversation with each other, he knows what he wants in life and is ready to pursue it, he makes me laugh, he's interesting, we want to get to know each other a bit better, he can start a conversation about almost anything, he's a great flirt, we're both Gemini's so we both understand each other's shifting personalities, loves music and wants to learn to read and play it.

Cons with the new:
He smokes, he dropped out of high school (has a GED though, so not too bad), he's 6 years older than me (so we're both illegal for each other technically), he doesn't have a great job (dishwasher at a restaraunt), we both struggle with our family, there's a risk that he may not like me the way I like him.

Those are just about the highlights of it all. My friend Noelle says that I should break up with my current boyfriend and get to know this new guy better. She feels that he has hurt me many times and that it is not worth it being with him any longer. I plan on breaking up with him. Not because someone new has walked into my life, but because I wanted to walk out on him so many times. I want to date other people, preferably those that I can SEE regularly. I want to be able to explore being with other people instead of being with just one person. I feel like a horrible person for this, but part of me sees it as something that is just part of life and that I just have to deal with.

We'll see how things go.

Echos of the Pages - Celtic Mandala

I have a calendar book, called the Celtic Mandala by Jen Delyth, and I thought it would be nice to post the notes at the beginning of each month here. They are as follows:

I am the breeze that nurtures all things green.

I encourage blossoms to flourish with ripening fruits.

I am the rain coming from the dew

That causes the grasses to laugh

with the joy of life.

-Hildegard of Bingen, tenth century,

translated by Gariele Uhlein

Hildegard of Bingen (1098 -1179), was a great Mystic, healer and artist, as well as a pioneer in science, philosophy and music. Attached to both tradition and to her church, Hildegard's stron spiritual connection with the natural world resonates with the Celtic history of this area of the Rhineland in the tenth century.

Anu-Earth Mother - Often known as Aine, or Danu - is the ancient ancestor Goddess of the Celts. She is the Great Earth Mother whose breats are the two hills called the Paps of Anu in Ireland. Her hair is the wild waves, the golden corn. Her eyes are the shining starts, her belly the round tors, or earth barrows from which we are born.

Wilde Hares- The Hare was sacred to the moon goddess Andraste, the Celtic goddess Ceridwen and the Earth Mother. Representing fertility and rebirth, the Hare is associated with the moon and the festivals of the Spring. Warrior queen Boudicca released a Hare as a good omen before each battle, and it was said to have screamed like a woman from beneath her cloak.

For the Celts, the world is alive, vibrant with the musical rhythms of life and the turning of the seasons. The Spirit in Nature inspires both ancient and contemporary Celtic POets, reflecting their mystical experience of the animate ensouled world.

Wilde Geese are the large, strong-willed birds we see fling in flocks across the grey winter skies. We hear their distinctive, raucous honking as they migrate home each year, their constant return symbolizing loyalty and the rhythms of nature.

The Tree of Life is an esoteric philsophy common to many cultures and mythologies, and reverence for trees lies at the heart of Celtic spirituality. The Ancients envisioned the entire cosmos in the form of a tree whose roots grow deep in the ground, branches reaching high into the heavens. The primal Mother Tree was regarded as all nourishing, all-giving, involved in the creation of the universe and the origin of the first man and woman.

Celtic shaman poets such as Taliesin and Amergin express the metaphysucal transformative relationship between Poet and the totem animals and elements of nature. The cycle of life is described in a deeply symbolic mythic language, which reveals the spiritual connection between the sacred creatures and the psyche of the Poet himself.

Cross of Life - Croes Bywyd - Wheel Crosses are an ancient megalithic symbol, first seen around 10,000 B.C. Representing the hub of the cosmic wheel - the cycle of life, the turning of the seasons - the cross element is embraced by the circular symbol of the sun, considered to be the divine center of the universe. Often associated with the Tree of Life, the Celtic Cross embraces the mysticism of both the Old and New Religions - the central spiritual source here represented by a triskele motif symbolizing the mystical Celtic trinity.

Selkie - In the Orkney Islands, and the wild and rocky islands of Scotland where the seals are wild and free and plentiful, a Selkie is a seal-woman. Well known among the coast dwellers, Selkies are magical creatures, gentle shape-shifters who transform into beautiful humans when they cast off their seal skins.

Warrior - Forged in the heat of a lightning bolt, imbued with the ferocity of the Boar, the strength of the Bull, the deadly knowledge of the Raven Morrigan and the golden fertility of the SUn Horse, the finely crafted sword contains the symbols of the Warrior.

Carmina Gadelica is a rich collection of prayers and blessings, charms and invocations assembled by Scottish folklorist Alexander Carmichael from the Western islanders of the nineteeth century. Carmina Gadalica voices the intertwined nature-based Celtic spirituality of both the Old Pagan religion, and the New Christian Faith, kept alive by the isolated island folk who continued the ancient knowledge and wisdom through their songs and prayers, stories and folklore.

Blodeuwedd the Owl - In Wales the owl is known as Blodeuwedd - which means flower face. In the Medieval Celtic tale "Mabinogi," Blodeuwedd is magically created by magicians from stone and flowers for her husband Llew. When she seeks her own lover, she discoers her true primal nature, and is changed into the wise, all-seeing owl whose intuitive vision peers deep through our psyche.

I hope this perks the interest of some people. I am deeply fascinated by the Celts and Celtic heritage (I am part Irish, Scottish, and Welsh). Enjoy everyone!

Trials - The Next Dawn, the Final Tests

Tomorrow will be the final trials, the test to determine if we've come as far as expected of us -midterms. Yes, the dreaded exams where tentative students sit in their chairs at 7:24 in the morning and prepare their minds for question upon question of information they may never see again in their future. The pens and pencils gripped in their hands, the calculators and cheat sheets, the note paper and tests- all are unpleasant, especially for the unprepared.

Tomorrow, I have Orchestra (write an in class essay on how to practice, then show up for rehearsal at 7:20), then AP Biology (4 open response questions). Oh, the humanity! I simply cannot accomplish this much in such a short amount of time *Insert sarcasm*! To be honest, I've found these tests to be, well, not as difficult as I had expected it to be. I've studied and reviewed a lot of what I've learned and noticed when testing time came, I didn't have too many problems. There are my weaknesses, but I surprised myself and did as much as I could and I feel confident I at least passed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a slide.

Chapter One - Introductions to the Wings

This is the first account of the disciple of the Dark Goddess. The wings that carry the words of the Dark Mother, her praise and her power, her influence and her judgement; I take their form. The Dark One, fled from Eden because of the injustice brought upon her, escaping domination for equality, she moves through the shadows of night in all-knowing silence.

I am the disciple of the Dark Mother. Created from the earth, I praise the earth for it brought life to the lifeless and inanimate. I praise the Darkness' views, for her views are my own. I am the black feathers that compose her wings, the soft darkness that brush against the cheeks of the wandering, just as a gentle breeze does in the early morning hours.

This manuscript is just the beginning to a new world unfolding which no eyes have ever fully seen, nor the mind fully comprehended.